msn with my sister

Yesterday I had an conversation with my sister over msn. All the time I seldom contact my sister or call her up. Thank God that yesterday night she actually took the initiative to talk to me.

She shared with me that she is undergoing a tremendous stress in her internship for her tertiary study. She said her supervisor is very strict and always say something sarcastic to her. At the same time, she also got quite average results from previous semester, but her classmates got very good results. That made her very sad and worry as well.

My sister has never shared such a thing to me before. Thank God for the msn with her. It made me understand my sister more. Next weekend I will back to Malaysia. I pray that God will use me to take her more closer to him and our relationship will grow well.

Something that I went through today

Today my senior asked me not to leave again. He asked me to stay in this company for the project sake. However, for me I can foresee that this project will have a lot of complicated thing happen and most of us do not have the experience to tackle this problem, so I decided to leave earlier.

I also want to give myself a chance to do design work. Although my senior said I won't have the feel when doing the design work because I do not have site experience. I still want to give it a try before I decided to change to another line if I want to.

I also think of my ex-boss in previous dept. Although he said something hurt to me before, which I still feel the pain in my heart when I think of it, I still want to thank God for him because he has broadened up my mind and motivate me to learn more. I feel amazed by thanking him in my heart since I only remembered how he hurt me. It must be God who do the work in my heart.

Two years I have graduated and it seems that I have not settled down myself and know what I want, sometimes I feel quite sad over myself because I am not a good steward of God. Some of you even can sense that my mood is down through the sms I sent to you all. Think something really wrong inside my heart........

Combined cg this friday

Dear all,

We will be having combined cg with nic's cg this friday at ministry house 730pm.

We will be learning from the first lesson of word-centred church.

Do email me if you have any ideas to help the cg to be more word-centred, prayerful or outreaching. I will be announcing some plans for the cg at the end of the teaching on friday, so do give me your input by emailing to my yahoo account: hotimothy@yahoo.com or leaving comments in this entry.

one interesting verse I encountered......

I was reading one devotion just now. I think God wants me to think over one verse in that devotion:

1 Corinthians 15:10

- But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them - yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me.

This verse seems easy to understand. But something has blocked my mind of think deeper about this verse......Need more time to think about this verse.

Something that I cannot forget until now

These few days I have not get over from some of my bad memories. Some very harsh comments from my boss especially kept disturbing me all the time. Actually I have been working for 2 years. Up until now the feedback from my boss is not very positive. It makes me relate back to the church camp teaching - be a useful person in your workplace.

I found that I am not a useful person in my workplace. I have been a burden to my boss. How can a person only bring trouble to his boss call himself "a useful person in workplace"? Even now in the office, I have to handle different critical issue at the same time, everybody asking me why am I so slow etc.....makes me feel that I am the culprit who delays the work, how I long for somebody in my workplace tell me, " Hey, Hoeping, you have done a great job!" Up until I have heard nothing about the comment like this.

I also blamed myself for not control my emotion well. I always show my bad mood on my face in public if something really bad happen to me. I don't know how to hide my emotion in front of people. I also cannot express well my thoughts to let other people know. I hate myself the most when people cannot understand how I feel and I simply cannot say them out in sentences.

I think I am a selfish person as well. I only care about how I feel and neglect how other people feel. I feel very miserable for this. I have let God down. I never apply what He said in the bible into my life.

I think that I am not a good example for brothers and sisters in Christ. My heart is filled with the negative thoughts and seems that I cannot get out of it. I only can pray that God will come and help me to overcome them........

Some thoughts about myself

In these few days, I kept thinking one question: How can I describe myself. After a few moments of thoughts, I think I can describe myself as below.

1) I am a inferior person. I love to compare myself with other people.

2) I feel very insecured when a stranger come to approach my friends. I am afraid that my friends' attention will be switched to that stranger.

3) I am a guy who is waiting for a girl to tell me that, "I love you."

4) I am a guy who don't like to jog, but love to walk.

5) I love to work in a stable environment.

6) I am a person who love to listen to instruction and do the thing. I don't like to lead the people because I don't want to take responsibility of making some bad decisions.

7) I am a person who is struggling with some bad habits in my life.

8) I love to serve people around me.

9) I love to play those sports that requires only one person. This is because I always become the loser when I play the games with other people, be it the badminton, chess, basketball, soccer etc...

10) I hope that I can own a house in Singapore. One of the room is a small library.

11) I love to share my struggles, views and thoughts with my friends. I always want to get attention from other people.

12) I feel that I am a failure in my life. My heart even now will affected by this thought.

13) I don't like to read newspaper, even I know that it is very important to keep updates with the current affairs.

14) I love to bully animals when I feel depressed and down.

15) I love to collect pens.

16) I don't like to buy clothes unless it is necessary.

17) I think that my hair is getting lesser and lesser and it will affect my relationship with my friends.

18) When I meet with difficulties in my life, I will choose to aviod it but not face it.

19) I don't like businessman, they only thinking about earning money.

20) I am not a dicipline person.

After writing down the thoughts, I think that I got many loopholes in my life. I am quite surprised that most of the things I wrote is very negative. But I still want to share them out as I think that this is my true self in my life. Only I surface them out can help me to overcome those negative thinking effectively. Jesus, I need your help again.......

Reflections and action points!

Dear all,

I am sure the adults church camp had been a memorable and impactful one for all of us. God has spoken to us individually during the camp and I will like us to do the following this week:

1) Spend one of the nights reflecting on the camp teachings and workshops, and write down your personal reflections and action points.

2) Pray through the points you have written down and ask God to help you apply His word in your life.

3) Bring the list of reflections/action points and be ready to share during cg on friday night, 730pm in ministry house.

We will also be talking about some action points as a cg, so if you have time for more reflections, do think about what we can do as a cg to grow together before friday.

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock." Matthew 7:24

My Hometown, My Home Country

First day back at home, I was greeted by the news of flood in KL. A few hours rain resulted in flood that came like a thunderflash. The city center was flooded, with a few underground car parks completely in the water. Then a few more places in KL were flooded as well, people were stranded, cars were immersed in water, 'crippled' with the engines dead. After the flood, the roads were covered with thick mud, ruining the image of the cityscape.

Second day at home, I was greeted by the news of robbery and gang rape. A couple was chased by a few robbers who attempted to collide with their vehicle, creating a deliberate accident and then robbed them, chased them over 30 km before eventually the victims's vehicle came to a halt. Then the guy was bashed, injured and the gal was gang raped. Police were nowhere to be found after they called the police. They were sent to the hospital by passer by. The hospital did not give immediate treatment, not until 7 morning.

Third day at home, another robbery and gang rape case, Oh my God!

Who is responsible for turning my hometown into such a sorry state? Who is responsible to turn my home country into a criminal haven? Honestly, I am extremely sick with the attitude of the police, and polticians who are not seriously dealing with the problems, give all kind of excuses to provoke the public and turn a deaf ear to all our critics.

Oh God, let me be the mayor of Kuala Lumpur! I can definitely do a better job than those politicians who waste time on spitting their saliva rather than taking practical actions. In heaven, I will complain these people to God for ruining my beloved hometown and making life in this country such a misery.

陳慶祥 阿牛 MAMAK檔

As a Malaysian, I must say amen to this song. Really illustrate the mamak stall in an interesting way.

愛是不保留

Great chinese worship song. enjoy:)

Healing Testimony

I was having a bad headache last Sunday and thought of going home after Sunday Service. But after service i got a lot of admin to do for church camp so thought that I might as well stay and complete all the things needed to be done. During the unit DMM in the afternoon, we prayed for one another and Tianlong prayed for me for healing and physical strength. After the DMM, I really feel much better and even went to queensway to buy the jerseys for the unit. God healed and energized me so much that after buying the jerseys, Jianming, peiru and myself went to ikea for dinner, and we fellowship until 10pm. Thank God for his healing power! =)

For the church camp goals, I am keeping it simple so that I can remember:

Personal - My contract with sports school ends in dec 2007 so I want to ask where I should go after that.

Spiritual - I want to ask God for greater faith to believe in Him in my work, ministry and family that he will use me for greater influence in these areas.

Social - To get to know Yuanxiang, Lydia and people in Nic's cg better over the church camp.

The rest of us can share the goals here as well since we did not get to share over lunch last Sunday. See you all on Thursday morning! =)

My church camp goals

Personal
- Grow the heart for missions ( short term or long term ) greatly.
- Increase my capacity of serving people.
- Manage my time and resources well.
- Cultivate my thinking habit.

Spiritual
- Grow in discipling myself in reading and understanding WOG
- Grow in faithfulness in whatever I do, espcially my career and my plan for missions.
- Grow in humbleness before God and my leaders.

Social
- Grow in the sense of belonging to CG, unit and even sub-d.
- Grow in affirmation for one another.
- Grow in intercede for one another.

Nicholas Teo Little Turtle MV

Very nice song. Enjoy!!!

Job Interviews

Interviews

Still want to give thanks to God for all the interviews so far despite being disappointed for my honours.

Few weeks ago, I was still complaining to a sister, “Why was I not shortlisted for any interview?” One of the brothers had already got a job and this posed a lot of pressure on me (yeah the bad habit of comparing with others is taking effect!).

But thank God my first interview came two weeks ago from ST Microelectronics. (Think I am not shortlisted for second round of interview). After that my second interview came when my professor forwarded my resume to Cal-Comp, a Taiwan-based electronics company. It was quite a coincidence. They were having campus interviews and a lot of graduates sent in their resumes to be interviewed. But I was called up by them to go for interview the next day. After their call, I received call from my IA company, asking me to go for interview the next day as well, and the timing clashed with Cal-Comp’s interview. I actually missed the call from my IA company, so I was not given a choice to choose the time. Oh no, both companies gave me one day notice, what the heck!

The next day morning, I went to Nanyang Executive Center to attend campus interview. Upon seeing the large crowd, I simply wasn’t feeling good. “So many people fighting for jobs with me, sigh…” I went straight to the Cal-Comp’s booth to ask if I could change my appointment time with them, handed in my resume and application form. Surprisingly, they asked me to wait for a while and separated my resume from the rest of the thick pile of resumes. After 10 minutes waiting, I was called in by a lady for interview. Later I found out that she was not assigned to interview those walk-in applicants, but because I was recommended by professor and applying specifically to a position, that was why my resume was separated and I got my turn so fast. She started with the standard question “Tell me about yourself.” When answering this question, I always highlight 3 strongest qualities of myself. However, during that interview, I talked about my interest in research. Then she followed on to talk about the responsibilities of that particular position in details, and asked me how I would deal with the problems. “This job is basically to research into some of the process problems that we are currently facing. How can you solve the moisture contamination problem in electronic devices. Do you have any experience?” I answered with my experience in projects and assignments and showed her my reports. Those reports were meant for my IA company’s interview and I really did not expect I would use them during the earlier interview. So lucky I had prepared them! The interviewer was excited and asked if she could have those copies of my reports. Of course I gladly gave to her. Even some figures in my final year project, such as the powder size of 193nm became important to her as I saw her writing down the details of my project, figures and key words. At that time, I felt so encouraged when the interviewer was so interested in me. The interviewer gave feedback to my professor that she found me good and able to apply what I had learnt in school. That was really an encouraging feedback.

After attending the Cal-Comp’s interview in the morning, I went for my IA company’s interview in the afternoon on the same day. There was nothing much to talk about it. However, I do want to give thanks to God, initially, two interviews clashed together but I managed to go for both and the interviews turned out well.

That night, to my surprise, I received an email informing to attend an interview from Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing Company (TSMC). Upon seeing that email, I jumped in joy. I applied to this company before the school exams, and it had been more than a month since then. I thought I was not selected for interview. I even consulted one of my professor if he found anything wrong with my resume. He replied me that TSMC was mainly looking for postgraduate students. Thank God so much I was the very few graduates selected!

Only one thing I wasn’t feeling good during the interview. I did not really answer truthfully to the following question.

Interviewer: I am sure that you did apply to other companies. Let’s say if you are offered a job from TSMC and another company at the same time, which one would you prioritize? Is TSMC your first priority?
Me: If I got any offer, I would discuss with my parents first.
Interviewer: But would you first prioritize TSMC?
Me: Can I clarify with you? The condition is that I got offer from two companies at the same time?
Interviewer: Yes, would you put TSMC as your first priority?
Me: ……Yes, TSMC is my first priority.

You could probably sense that I am quite reluctant to say yes to the interviewer’s question. I even felt that I was lying to that question. As a Christian, I try to hold on God’s teachings and apply them in real life. I expect myself to uphold my integrity and answer truthfully, not necessarily so honest that I don’t know how to use my words wisely. In the past, during my final year project, I was having such a hard time in dealing with the data and statistics I have collected from my experiments. Because of those statistics, I was bombarded by my supervisor with tough questions I could not answer. I felt so tempted to alter the figures, change the data to please my supervisor. But eventually I didn’t do that, for I know if I gave in to cheat this time, I would cheat in the future and slowly cheating would become an addiction that poisoned my character. So I did more experiments to confirm the data, or to get a new set of data, or to find evidence why the data were showing that certain trend. And thank God, I found theories to explain and convince both my supervisor and examiner.

Oops, think I was just diverted away to talk about my fyp. If I were to answer that question again, how would I answer it better and truthfully? I would probably answer,
“The job opportunity with TSMC is important to me, yes, it is my first priority, because of TSMC’s leading position in wafer fabrication, high-end technology in semiconductor. I think I can learn a lot of high-tech stuff from TSMC.” It is true that TSMC is leading in semiconductor industry. And the reasons I have stated, make TSMC the first priority. But when considering whether to accept or reject a job offer, will I consider those reasons? No! If those reasons are not to be considered, will I accept TSMC’s job offer above others? No! Wohahahaha!! What kind of logic is this? Let’s think the other way, if my consideration to accept job offer is whether the company is leading in the industry, whether they have high-tech, whether I can learn their high-tech stuff, then yes TSMC is my first priority. So I am stating the reasons that have the potential of making TSMC my first priority, but whether I prioritize those reasons in my consideration to take a job offer, that’s a different story.

So why is TSMC not my first priority? This job requires me to work in Taiwan. I have 3 years bond with Singapore government lah! There are of course other reasons, but I am not sharing here.

The final interview came from Singapore Technologies Kinetics. It was another blessing by God. I went to campus interview, and hoping to go for ST’s interview. But again, too many people were fighting for limited places. Not only materials engineering graduates, but also mechanical, and EE graduates. It was such a coincidence that I met one of the person-in-charge. We just talked for a few minutes and he found out that I am a materials engineer. Then he informed me that ST Kinetics had put advertisement on newspaper looking for materials engineer to do a study in polyurethane sandwich panel for food storage refrigerating system in transport trucks. He asked me for my name, email, phone number and later that day in the afternoon, he sent me the advertisement of the job position through email. Wow!! I can’t thank God enough. Why? So far as I searched for jobs, I searched through online, materials obtained from career fair and career talk (plenty of them and I have yet to read them one by one) but I simply missed out newspaper advertisements! Thank God that He arranged such a coincidental occasion to make the job opportunity known to me. I have a very strong feeling from this encounter – God made what I had missed to come back to me. I can be assured that He is in control. I don’t know if I will ultimately get a job offer from any of the companies above but I really want to thank Him for opening up all these opportunities for me.

He has certainly opened doors of opportunities for me. But that does not mean that I should stop relying on Him and go on my own way. I still need Him to do amazing things to open up doors for second interviews for me. As I am wondering, what it means to rely on Him, to trust Him? I mean, how exactly or what I have to do so that I am trusting Him and relying on Him? As I ponder, I contrasted my attitude in writing this article with the previous one. It was a big difference in attitude. I thank Him gratefully, amazed by His timing that things fell into the right place at the right time. However, in the previous article, I blamed Him for not answering to my heart’s desire. Thanking Him at a point of time, yet angry with Him at another. What an irony! How contradicting! I realized it was self-centeredness that had taken hold of me, I like Him when I get benefits from Him, angry with Him when I did not. This is not loving Him wholeheartedly, neither it is trusting and relying on Him. My entire focus is – getting what I want.

So perhaps the first thing I can do is to correct my attitude. I always ask, how exactly can I trust and rely on Him? I can certainly adjust my attitude by writing all these down as a reminder, not just something that slipped past my mind and disappeared the next minute.
I really wonder if I had been wasting time this 1 year and 9 months being a Christian, not learning His ways but fighting for my own interests. Or is it simply that I had forgotten, ignored Him at times when uncertainties seem overwhelming? If I had been wasting time, let me waste no more. If I had forgotten, let me be reminded. All it matters, is to correct my heart, my attitude, and come back to God if I had been straying away. I am confident, I will know how to follow His leadership.

I guess it’s time to reflect the past 9 months after my first anniversary, how I have grown spiritually. It would be a spiritual health check-up to see if I have grown fruitfully or lost in the wilderness.

As I wrote this article, the grudging attitude over my honours was replaced by gratitude. Have I not written this, I think I would still be angry and bitter. Indeed reminding myself of His goodness and focus on the great things He had done, my heart would not be completely occupied by anger and bitterness. Make room for his love and joy to fill me again. I do hope I can be consistent in my attitude towards Him, not just praising Him at good times and complaining Him at bad times. Focus less on my achievements, blessings but focus more on how to trust Him, depend on Him, then, I think, I would be more consistent.

Shortchanged?

I really don’t have the habit of writing down my feelings. A lot of times, as I find out, it is because I am lazy to do so. Now, without the habit, it makes me really difficult to put down my thinking process in a logical way and to explain with words.

Yesterday was a day of mixed feelings. I was battling my own emotions with reasons, I even attempt to cool myself down with what I can think in the bible. But after a while, I simply refused to listen to the small little voice, shut everything out and let my emotions burst.

The final result was out yesterday and I got second lower. That was not really surprising. I was prepared and aware that my first and second year results would make it hard to achieve second upper. But upon seeing some subjects, which I think I did very well, deserving A but was marked down to B, the fire of frustration burns furiously within me. Here is a list of subjects which I thought I should get better grades.

G140 Engineers and Society, expecting A but got B instead
LF81 French, expecting A but got B instead
G167 Engineering Chemistry, expecting A but got B instead
G161 Electronics, expecting A/B but got D instead
MS 2003 Applied Chemistry, expecting A/B but got D instead
HE 191 Principles of Economics, expecting B/C but got D instead

For the above subjects in Year 1 or Year 2, I thought maybe my expectations were different from the examiners’ marking standards. However for Year 3 subjects, there were really unreasonable grades for some subjects.

MS 3030 HRM, expecting A but got B+
MS 8005 Effective Communication Skills, expecting A but got B+ again! When I got marvelous grades for my assignments, what is the reason for me to be marked down to B+?
MS 3005 Materials Aspect in Design, all my group members got A except me, a B+, why? Why? Why?
MS 4002 Quality Control, I remember explaining to one of my friend some concepts in this subject before the exam and relevant questions did come out. My friend scored better than me when her level of understanding was not as good as me. Why? Why? God, are you showing favouritism?
HW 310 Professional Communication, a large percentage made up of oral presentation which I got A-, why is my final grade B+?

Throughout the entire process of working hard to improve my grades, my grades did improve from second year to third year. But I simply did not have the luck to get A. Due to this reason, my chance of getting second upper grew thin until it was quite unlikely. I thought to myself, perhaps there was an underlying problem which I did not realize and did not solve which cause the problem to keep happening. But I was so frustrated, it seems like second upper was never meant to be mine. If that is so, why am I not worthy of second upper?

Unless the LORD builds the house,
Its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
The watchmen stand guard in vain
Psalms 127:1

Perhaps one question I have to ask myself is that, throughout the entire quest for my honours, have I allowed God to lead me? Or did I walk away from God, fighting my own path? Perhaps God is using this scenario to show that if He is not leading my life, I can get nowhere. Is that so?

Let’s summarize. Why am I being “shortchanged” from the results I think I should get?
Is it because A or second upper is never meant for me, and whatever not mine will not be mine? Then I have to ask, why is it not mine?
Is it because God was not taking charge of this area of my life, and that I took charge of my own life and I could achieve nothing more than that?
Any other reasons which I may not be aware of

Let’s consider 2
So how exactly is allowing God to take charge? Actually I should ask myself one important question. To what extent do I agree that good results are given by God? As I search my heart truthfully, this is what whispering in my heart. No, I think good results should be based on how hardworking, how I have worked hard to achieve it. So I am placing human effort above God’s leadership, and in other words, resisting God’s leadership. And I am placing my desire above God’s truth. At this moment when I think why I do not deserve such results and deserve better, my reason is that I want A, I want second upper and I had worked hard for it. My greed for achieving my desire is stronger than willingness to acknowledge the truth above, and I can consider this as resisting God’s leadership. Too bad, God simply can’t take me far when I resist.

Fortunate for me, I got A for my final year project. I could still recall how I work like mad for this project, looking for answers to troubleshoot process problems, taking the tough questions from supervisor, enduring the pressure to work in laboratory even after office hours and after midnight. Thank God he did not shortchange me for this. And I know with second lower, I cannot apply for scholarships to further studies or research but I can still apply for research jobs in companies. At least, God leaves me with a useful weapon to defend myself before the interviewer

“Well, I may not be good at sitting for exams, but I am good at hands-on. I learn a lot of things, including applying theories that I have learnt and looking out for answers to support my observations. This shows that I have a keen interest in research, willing to endure the hard work and spend time to read up. I believe my grade for FYP supports all these.”

Because I Loved You

Enjoy the music! It is a combination of different music instruments.

Yet I will (Vineyard Music)

Thank God.....

1) Thank God that I manage to pass some of my projects to another colleague. I can put more concentration to my project now.

2) Thank God that I got another 2 helpers to help me to do the works.

3) Thank God that I manage to sleep earlier yesterday night.

4) Thank God that God gives me peace to handle the problem.

5) Thank God that I manage to thank Him in this difficult time. Pray that God will help me to know that what is the way that He wants me to go as I am at the cross road now.

For Huanjie

Dear Huanjie
Happy Birthday!
Hope u enjoyed the simple lunch celebration and thanks for the treat!

In this 1 yr plus in the cg, I have been blessed by you. Besides blessing the cg with your culinary skills and treats occasionally, am personally blessed by your friendship.

Your bubbly nature certainly spices things up in the cg =) Have been “blessed” by your jokes and crappiness.,especially when Robert joined in too..wah he ultimate :p..But is indeed enjoyable spending time tog with u and the rest .

You are someone who is real and open with your thoughts, feelings and easy on your personality. I believed that’s why you make people comfortable too. During the softer side when u shared your thoughts on certain issues and school matters, despite your struggles and busyness, I am heartened that you always choose to put God first.

Thanks for being a sweet brother in your own ways. You have certainly grown as time passes with the heart for missions and the desire to be a shepherd. Look forward to growing together and I pray that u will continue to grow in his will and do even greater things for Him! Be challenged and confident that God will use u greatly!

confused.......

Yesterday and today I am busy in sending resume. I have sent out resume to those organizations:
1) NLB
2) RP
3) TY LIN International

However, I kept asking myself, " What do I want actually??" Do I intend to continue to stay in civil engineering line ? or my calling is in somewhere else?? Actually, I plan to do some design jobs to save up some money for further studies. It maybe maths or chinese.....Plan to use that as a entry vehicle for my mission trip....(Think too much.....)..:P

Pray that God will reveal to me what is the thing that He wants me to do. I am in searching path and I really need His guidance and strength to persevere through and learn something about myself in my career and my potential in God's gifting.