Shortchanged?

I really don’t have the habit of writing down my feelings. A lot of times, as I find out, it is because I am lazy to do so. Now, without the habit, it makes me really difficult to put down my thinking process in a logical way and to explain with words.

Yesterday was a day of mixed feelings. I was battling my own emotions with reasons, I even attempt to cool myself down with what I can think in the bible. But after a while, I simply refused to listen to the small little voice, shut everything out and let my emotions burst.

The final result was out yesterday and I got second lower. That was not really surprising. I was prepared and aware that my first and second year results would make it hard to achieve second upper. But upon seeing some subjects, which I think I did very well, deserving A but was marked down to B, the fire of frustration burns furiously within me. Here is a list of subjects which I thought I should get better grades.

G140 Engineers and Society, expecting A but got B instead
LF81 French, expecting A but got B instead
G167 Engineering Chemistry, expecting A but got B instead
G161 Electronics, expecting A/B but got D instead
MS 2003 Applied Chemistry, expecting A/B but got D instead
HE 191 Principles of Economics, expecting B/C but got D instead

For the above subjects in Year 1 or Year 2, I thought maybe my expectations were different from the examiners’ marking standards. However for Year 3 subjects, there were really unreasonable grades for some subjects.

MS 3030 HRM, expecting A but got B+
MS 8005 Effective Communication Skills, expecting A but got B+ again! When I got marvelous grades for my assignments, what is the reason for me to be marked down to B+?
MS 3005 Materials Aspect in Design, all my group members got A except me, a B+, why? Why? Why?
MS 4002 Quality Control, I remember explaining to one of my friend some concepts in this subject before the exam and relevant questions did come out. My friend scored better than me when her level of understanding was not as good as me. Why? Why? God, are you showing favouritism?
HW 310 Professional Communication, a large percentage made up of oral presentation which I got A-, why is my final grade B+?

Throughout the entire process of working hard to improve my grades, my grades did improve from second year to third year. But I simply did not have the luck to get A. Due to this reason, my chance of getting second upper grew thin until it was quite unlikely. I thought to myself, perhaps there was an underlying problem which I did not realize and did not solve which cause the problem to keep happening. But I was so frustrated, it seems like second upper was never meant to be mine. If that is so, why am I not worthy of second upper?

Unless the LORD builds the house,
Its builders labor in vain.
Unless the LORD watches over the city,
The watchmen stand guard in vain
Psalms 127:1

Perhaps one question I have to ask myself is that, throughout the entire quest for my honours, have I allowed God to lead me? Or did I walk away from God, fighting my own path? Perhaps God is using this scenario to show that if He is not leading my life, I can get nowhere. Is that so?

Let’s summarize. Why am I being “shortchanged” from the results I think I should get?
Is it because A or second upper is never meant for me, and whatever not mine will not be mine? Then I have to ask, why is it not mine?
Is it because God was not taking charge of this area of my life, and that I took charge of my own life and I could achieve nothing more than that?
Any other reasons which I may not be aware of

Let’s consider 2
So how exactly is allowing God to take charge? Actually I should ask myself one important question. To what extent do I agree that good results are given by God? As I search my heart truthfully, this is what whispering in my heart. No, I think good results should be based on how hardworking, how I have worked hard to achieve it. So I am placing human effort above God’s leadership, and in other words, resisting God’s leadership. And I am placing my desire above God’s truth. At this moment when I think why I do not deserve such results and deserve better, my reason is that I want A, I want second upper and I had worked hard for it. My greed for achieving my desire is stronger than willingness to acknowledge the truth above, and I can consider this as resisting God’s leadership. Too bad, God simply can’t take me far when I resist.

Fortunate for me, I got A for my final year project. I could still recall how I work like mad for this project, looking for answers to troubleshoot process problems, taking the tough questions from supervisor, enduring the pressure to work in laboratory even after office hours and after midnight. Thank God he did not shortchange me for this. And I know with second lower, I cannot apply for scholarships to further studies or research but I can still apply for research jobs in companies. At least, God leaves me with a useful weapon to defend myself before the interviewer

“Well, I may not be good at sitting for exams, but I am good at hands-on. I learn a lot of things, including applying theories that I have learnt and looking out for answers to support my observations. This shows that I have a keen interest in research, willing to endure the hard work and spend time to read up. I believe my grade for FYP supports all these.”